Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This post is deeply personal, I struggled with deciding to write it and post it, however I feel that my story can and will be helpful to others.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*****************************This is a long post************************************

I will be honest it is has taken a long time for me to get to where I can be positive and content about who I am. I have wrestled with a lot of anxiety and self-doubt (I know a lot of people do). Mine was not inflicted on myself.  Mine stems from childhood emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is harsh in general and those who have suffered know the pain and hurt that someone goes through and the lasting impact it has. For a child it can be devastating and cause a lot of issues in their adult life. It can effect their self-confidence and for many their confidence has not really peaked so when it is destroyed it can be destroyed for a long time. Self-confidence can take years to be built back up once it is destroyed. The thing about emotional abuse is it does not have to be inflicted by family or close family friends. It can be coaches, a significant other, a teacher, a day care provider, and so many other people in your life.

I have been emotionally abused by three of my teachers. Once in first grade, once as an undergraduate, and again in graduate school. All three situations were severe and has caused a lot of heartache.

For me  my first time I was abused emotionally was when I was in elementary school. It was my first grade teacher at the age of seven. I was a happy go lucky child. I loved life and I was energetic. But that changed when I went to first grade. I had a teacher who was very angry and yelled all day. I do not remember ever being told that I had done a good job. I do not remember being told anything positive. I do however, remember being yelled at for anything and everything. I would go home in tears and I began to dread to go to school. I remember that I messed up on a spring time art project because I misunderstood the directions and my teacher got my mad. My classmates actually tried to make me feel better saying that my duck resembled Psyduck from Pokemon. I was still miserable though because I felt that I was failure and in my teacher's eyes I was. At the end of the year I found out that she believed that I was stupid. It was relied to my parents that I was stupid and should be held back. I did not want to be in 1st grade again, which in my case would have been a third year in 1st grade since I was in Pre-1st which was my schools version of Pre-K.

For years I believed that I was stupid. The remainder of elementary school was hard. I struggled in all of my classes. I was bullied and I did not care about my classes. I at one point I had F's and D's with an occasional C. Why bother when you believe you are incapable? When something would go horribly wrong I would blame myself and say that I was stupid and that I could not do anything right . I firmly believed that I was not smart and that I was incapable. It did not matter that in middle school I was a high honor student and was vice president of the National Jr Honor Society. It did not matter than when I was a senior in high school I was accepted to three of the five colleges that I applied too. I still felt that I was not smart and I often felt that I did not deserve all that I had received. I still believed senior year that I was incapable.

When I was an undergraduate I was enrolled in the social work program. I was miserable. I hated the program and I just knew that I was not meant to be there. I kept at it though because I thought once I had my degree things would be fine. Once again I was emotionally abused. This time I was abused by a professor in my program. Part of my academic struggles stem from the fact that I have a major learning disability. I was struggling in my classes because of the way the professor taught. I would go to her office hours for help and support in her classes and at one point I was told that I needed to be reevaluated for my disability because there was seriously something wrong with me. The problem was I was not the only one struggling with that particular assignment, in class my classmates had asked three times for a better clarification on the assignment. In my junior year I had to go through a process called Junior Review. This was a time that the professors would review the progress we had made and it would determine if we could continue. It is a well known fact that the program would kick one student out a year. I was that student for my year. I was told that I was not meant to be in the program and that I should transfer to to a community college and restart my college education there. I was told my written and oral communication is horrible. The professor who said I needed to be reevaluated told my adviser when I was asking for help she did not know if I was really in need or if I was looking for attention.

This situation impacted me in a big way. The abuse I endured reopened old wounds. I had already had bad anxiety but it got worse. I became depressed and I began to really hate who I was. I started to avoid asking for help for fear that I was looking for attention. I started to feel that I was not good enough and that I did not deserve to do well. When I switched to sociology I found support and I found happiness my grades which previously were B's and an occasional A became mostly A's. I was accepted to Pi Gamma Mu the international honor society for social sciences. I was so torn from all the emotional abuse I had dealt with, I could only be excited for a little while because I did not feel that I had deserved such an honor.

I enrolled into graduate school right after I graduated from my undergraduate school. I was enrolled in Student Affairs in Higher Education (SAHE). I was miserable and I once again was emotionally again. I have never been big on standing up for myself. But one day I got feedback from a presentation and my professor had claimed that I used a lot of slang. The slang being words I always mispronounce when I am nervous. I have had a speech impediment since I was a toddler and when I am nervous, I cut my ings, my eds, and other letters off of words. I called her out on this and she said that it is not a speech impediment. She then went off on everything wrong with me including my learning disability. My professor verbally attacked me for twenty minutes. Then when she finished I had to go to class. The class happened to be her class. That was not the only day, she had been abusive throughout the semester but this was the worst of it.

After this I had a massive panic attack. I began to internalize everything that had ever been said to me. I really began to believe it.  I started to not talk in front of large groups. I began to dread having to present. I did change programs after the abuse happened in SAHE. I realized that I did not need to be paying for the abuse. 

I have gone through countless hours of counseling. I have been a part of group therapy. I have been on anti-anxiety medications. I have tried to get an understanding of why me? Why have I been emotionally abused so many times? I used to think for so long that I would never be ok. And I believed it. I was emotionally abused so many times that I had no confidence. 

I am pleased to say that I do not believe that any longer. I found what worked for me. In my first year in graduate school I heard of a program called Celebrate Recovery*. I danced around going, but finally had no choice. I came to a point where I believed that I did not matter. I felt that no one cared about me and nothing really mattered in my life. When I went to CR I found that I did matter. I found a way to build my confidence. I found that I was good enough and that I could be loved. I found that I did not need to be self destructive, which in many ways I was and with each occurrence of  emotional abuse that I endured I became more and more self destructive. Celebrate Recovery gave me a place where I could be myself the self that I believed was never allowed to be in existence. It gave me a place where I could let my guard down and learn who I am and learn how to be healthy and how to cope in a safe way. I have had a long journey to being healthy, but it was worth it. I love myself and I love who I am. I am SMART! I am loving. I am caring.I am HAPPY! I am me. And I am so much more. 

CR worked for me and gave me hope which I can honestly say I never had before. I know it is not for everyone, but the point behind this post is that emotional abuse especially childhood emotional abuse is painful and it lasts. But there is hope there is freedom. When you go through it the damage can last for years, but it does not have to rule your life. If you or someone you know has gone through emotional abuse know that it is ok to get help. It is ok to speak out it is ok to let your guard down. It is also ok to acknowledge that what happened has happened and that it is not ok and that you are not ok. Admitting is the first step to getting help.    

I did not write this for attention to my past. I wrote this to help others who may have gone through emotional abuse and help them to see they are not alone. I also wrote this to allow for others to see that there is hope.


*Celebrate Recovery is a Christ Centered 12 step program that works on any and all hurt, habit, and hang up. It allows for people to learn healthy habit for life.