Happiness

Emotions are often sparked by an event, place, person, situation, or other stuff. While they are sparked by so much we can choose to give in to the emotion or not to give in. We can choose to let something get to us or to ignore it. 

Happiness is one of those emotions. It is a choice in so many ways. Nothing in life will make us fully happy. It is an emotion that in many ways allows for us to believe that something, someone, someplace will allow for us to be happy and to stay happy. The truth is that it may work for a moment but it will not keep us happy. 

I hear all the time I want to be happy... I will be happy when... 
I am guilty of saying it and thinking it. I have often told myself if I had a different job I will be happy. When I get my degree I will be happy. When I lose weight I will be happy. I want to be happy but I am... When I this or that I will be happy. Yes in the moment it has worked. Yes it has allowed for momentary happiness, but it is not the key to making me truly happy. 

True happiness is a choice. It is a reaction to love and to being fulfilled. It is a reaction to a decision.





I have been battling depression for a few months. I can choose to give into the emotions that I feel from the depression OR I can choose to rise above those emotions and choose happiness. Sometimes choosing happiness is the only way I can get through the day.  

I  choose to be happy. I am choosing to have a happy life and to live it with happiness. Yes I will have sadness and upset. Yes I will have bad days but it will not define my life, it will not define who I am. Happiness is not a destination it is a choice and I am choosing it. 

Since I choose happiness I have seen things be brighter and to be what I needed. I promise that when you choose happiness you choose life.  

Talk

How can we support others without pushing someone towards help? Well sometimes we may believe that pushing someone to get help is all that we can do. But that may not be the case. Sometimes all it may take is for the person who needs help to know that we are human too and we have struggled with similar.

As a believer in Jesus Christ it is important to share my testimony of faith what Christ has done in my life to help empower other believers and plant seeds in those who do not believe. In terms of mental health it is important to share my story because it can help others to understand that they are not alone. That their struggles are not uncommon and that they are not crazy, but normal with struggles that even those who seem to "have it altogether" really do struggle. 

When I was first becoming a believer in Christ I shared my testimony about how I met God on a night where I felt that I did not matter. I wanted to pack up my apartment and move home. I wanted to leave because I did not feel that anyone would have cared if I did. I was battling some depression and anxiety but it was manageable. I shared that some of my anxiety stemmed from childhood emotional abuse that I endured throughout my education. I was called stupid by my first grade teacher and I was told that I would not make it past a two year degree and maybe not even that degree by the special education director in my district. This anxiety stuck with me throughout most of my graduate school career. I sought counseling for this anxiety, but it really wasn't until I let God work in my life that I was able to move past it. I was able to begin to say that I was proud of myself and my accomplishments. I was able to see who I was.

In October I lost my mom, who was my best friend and the next day I lost my grandpa, my mom's dad. I dealt with worrying about my dad who was dealing with massive health problems and I was working to get done with my last semester of grad school. I started to endure more other hardships.    I struggled with anxiety and depression. I had depression so bad and in such a way that those who where the closest to me knew and saw something was wrong but did not know what it was. I did not know what I battling until I tried to hospitalize myself. I struggled a lot with my depression. All I wanted was be ok, to be me. I wanted happiness. Nothing seemed to work, counseling helped, a joyful job with kids helped but I wasn't truly happy or me. It took for me to decide that I need to be happy that I was able to start seeing myself again.

We all go through things that try us. One of the things that has really been a big help for me is hearing others and what they have gone through. I don't listen to others and what they have gone through in order to compare but in order to know I am not alone. I know that others have had worse situations than I have, but in some ways what others have gone through has been similar and has helped me in understanding what I am facing.

The pain I have endured over the last few months is a pain that I would never like to see others go through, however life will never be pain free. It because of the fact that life will never be pain free that I want to encourage others into talking about their pain. Go to a support group, go to counseling talk with a trusted friend or family member. You will never know what others have gone through until you have talked. 

Restart: Rebuild

I have gone through more than I really should have gone through in the last 10 months. I have struggled in every way. I have worked to get to where I need to be, though at ties I have really almost given up.
For a few months I really did not care about my life. I felt that my life was not worth living. I felt that there was no purpose. I felt no hope. I felt no that nothing was important to me. It has taken a lot for me to see that my life is worth living. It has taken a lot for me to realize that I have a purpose and that there is hope.
In seeing all this I have found that I have to restart: rebuild. In this I mean I need to find a new path and I have to start to go down that path and start to rebuild my life from the bottom and work my way up. I have tried to start rebuilding from where I am, but when I look at all that I am going through there is so much more that I need to face than present. Restarting and rebuilding my life means that I recreate and I start to rework everything from the beginning. It sounds crazy and sounds like a lot of work but sometimes that is what has to happen.
For me doing this means counseling, it means looking at what is pulling me down and why. It means adjusting to the pain and learning how to move forward. It means that I look at my old passions and I look to how I can readjust those passions to who I am now. It means developing new passions. It means I look at what is and what is not healthy for me. It also means taking old passions and rebuilding them so they are stronger.
Restarting and rebuilding is not easy, but I am ready for it.

If you feel that you have hit walls and you are not going forward in your life maybe you need to restart or rebuilding or both. Whatever it is do what is best for you. 

Depression What is it? Is There Hope?

~~~~~~~~~~~Caution- this post is not of the norm. It is not a fully positive and uplifting post that I like to do, but it is for sure something that needs to be posted.~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Depression is not always what it seems. It is not always withdrawing from those you love. It is that, but it is more. It is not always being massively upset. Yes it is that but it is more. It is not always not eating and not sleeping. It is not always a time where your focus is gone. Yes depression is all of this and more. Withdrawing, being massively upset, not eating or sleeping, and having you focus be gone are telltale signs of depression but depression does not always show up in this way. There are signs that not everyone is aware of.

Depression does not always show up with the classic symptoms that are listed above. It can have so many more symptoms. It can be a loss of appetite or over eating. For some they may over sleep or not sleep. There may be tiredness that may not be from physical exertion. A person may feel restlessness or irritability (or both). There may be a slowness of movement or speech.  Feeling depressed and or withdrawn may be common. For many there is a loss of interest in things that were once enjoyed. For many there may be a difficulty in concentrating, poor memory or they may even have a hard time making decisions. Often thoughts of harm towards them self or others including death are prevalent with depression. Life may be viewed as not worth living. Low self-esteem could be present in depression.

A person who is battling depression may have feelings of helplessness, being worthless, or guilty. They could have unexplained aches and pains. They could become extremely pessimistic when they are normally cheerful and optimistic. They may be taking risks and putting themselves in danger. They may feel and express that things would be better if they were not around.

It is said that medical attention needs to happen if there is a feeling of extreme depression, fear, or anxiety occur. Or if there is extreme anger toward themselves or others. Feeling out of control or have major outbursts the person may want to get help. Additionally, if there is any indication of self harm or harm to others. Hearing voices or seeing thing that others do not hear or see. Finally if the person have not slept or eaten in three days. For or all of these medical help should be sought
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Depression is able to be cured. For some intensive therapy or medications are key. There are some people where both work. Calming down relaxing and have time for self is often important in relieving symptoms of depression. Doing what you love and spending time with people you love, can help as well. Talk to someone. Acknowledge the feelings. Support your loved ones who are battling depression. It is not an easy battle and should not be faced alone.
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I chose to write on what depression is because I have been living with severe depression for the last month or more. I was in denial that I was depressed. I did not exhibit any of the normal symptoms. I had some sadness but not heavy sadness. I lost interest in stuff that I loved but it did not seem like depression.  For me it was the unusual symptoms. I began getting agitated at the simplest things. I would blow up for no real apparent reason. I became very pessimistic especially to myself. I had no self-esteem.  I also unconsciously began to push away those who loved me because I felt that if I pushed them away then when and if something happened it would make things easier. I noticed that on some of my harder days my old injuries were in major pain.  I would sleep by it was never restful.
Too me it was something else. Now that I know it is depression I see everything that I was doing and feeling. I see and understand that I have been battling depression. It saddens me but I am working through it.

I am currently seeking help because I can not live like this. My reasoning for this post is because I do not want others to fall down the way I fell. I had no idea that I have been battling depression I was convinced that it was something else. I want to see others get help before it is too late. Part of what got me to where I am in my depression is that I was not expressing myself. I was not letting myself acknowledge all that was wrong. Had I done so I may not be where I am. If you are feeling that there needs to be something done or feel that that you need to express something then please find a way even if it is is just crying out to God or writing in journal. Get it out of your mind. Capture your thoughts and learn to understand them. If you see anyone that is experiencing these types of symptoms try and get them help. If they are uninterested in help please know that you tried. Not everyone is going to be willing to get help. I was not ready for awhile and though I let a close friend crisis line me and I went to counseling after, I was still not in a spot for the help.  This simple act of getting me to go for help before I was ready, made it easier for when I was ready for help. One last final piece is please be mindful and be patient while in a deep depression it is possible that your loved one is unaware of what they are saying or doing. If you suspect that something is off understand that they are not themselves and while they want to be themselves they are pulled so far down into a deep, dark, pit and may not know how to get out. 

Know that there is hope, that life will brighten up. It will take time but it is so possible. I am working on getting to a better spot and I am already seeing the brighter and more happy times.

While I know that not everyone is a believer in God I am and will be praying that you do not have to go through the pain of depression that I am going through, and if you that you find away out. God Bless!!

Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This post is deeply personal, I struggled with deciding to write it and post it, however I feel that my story can and will be helpful to others.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*****************************This is a long post************************************

I will be honest it is has taken a long time for me to get to where I can be positive and content about who I am. I have wrestled with a lot of anxiety and self-doubt (I know a lot of people do). Mine was not inflicted on myself.  Mine stems from childhood emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is harsh in general and those who have suffered know the pain and hurt that someone goes through and the lasting impact it has. For a child it can be devastating and cause a lot of issues in their adult life. It can effect their self-confidence and for many their confidence has not really peaked so when it is destroyed it can be destroyed for a long time. Self-confidence can take years to be built back up once it is destroyed. The thing about emotional abuse is it does not have to be inflicted by family or close family friends. It can be coaches, a significant other, a teacher, a day care provider, and so many other people in your life.

I have been emotionally abused by three of my teachers. Once in first grade, once as an undergraduate, and again in graduate school. All three situations were severe and has caused a lot of heartache.

For me  my first time I was abused emotionally was when I was in elementary school. It was my first grade teacher at the age of seven. I was a happy go lucky child. I loved life and I was energetic. But that changed when I went to first grade. I had a teacher who was very angry and yelled all day. I do not remember ever being told that I had done a good job. I do not remember being told anything positive. I do however, remember being yelled at for anything and everything. I would go home in tears and I began to dread to go to school. I remember that I messed up on a spring time art project because I misunderstood the directions and my teacher got my mad. My classmates actually tried to make me feel better saying that my duck resembled Psyduck from Pokemon. I was still miserable though because I felt that I was failure and in my teacher's eyes I was. At the end of the year I found out that she believed that I was stupid. It was relied to my parents that I was stupid and should be held back. I did not want to be in 1st grade again, which in my case would have been a third year in 1st grade since I was in Pre-1st which was my schools version of Pre-K.

For years I believed that I was stupid. The remainder of elementary school was hard. I struggled in all of my classes. I was bullied and I did not care about my classes. I at one point I had F's and D's with an occasional C. Why bother when you believe you are incapable? When something would go horribly wrong I would blame myself and say that I was stupid and that I could not do anything right . I firmly believed that I was not smart and that I was incapable. It did not matter that in middle school I was a high honor student and was vice president of the National Jr Honor Society. It did not matter than when I was a senior in high school I was accepted to three of the five colleges that I applied too. I still felt that I was not smart and I often felt that I did not deserve all that I had received. I still believed senior year that I was incapable.

When I was an undergraduate I was enrolled in the social work program. I was miserable. I hated the program and I just knew that I was not meant to be there. I kept at it though because I thought once I had my degree things would be fine. Once again I was emotionally abused. This time I was abused by a professor in my program. Part of my academic struggles stem from the fact that I have a major learning disability. I was struggling in my classes because of the way the professor taught. I would go to her office hours for help and support in her classes and at one point I was told that I needed to be reevaluated for my disability because there was seriously something wrong with me. The problem was I was not the only one struggling with that particular assignment, in class my classmates had asked three times for a better clarification on the assignment. In my junior year I had to go through a process called Junior Review. This was a time that the professors would review the progress we had made and it would determine if we could continue. It is a well known fact that the program would kick one student out a year. I was that student for my year. I was told that I was not meant to be in the program and that I should transfer to to a community college and restart my college education there. I was told my written and oral communication is horrible. The professor who said I needed to be reevaluated told my adviser when I was asking for help she did not know if I was really in need or if I was looking for attention.

This situation impacted me in a big way. The abuse I endured reopened old wounds. I had already had bad anxiety but it got worse. I became depressed and I began to really hate who I was. I started to avoid asking for help for fear that I was looking for attention. I started to feel that I was not good enough and that I did not deserve to do well. When I switched to sociology I found support and I found happiness my grades which previously were B's and an occasional A became mostly A's. I was accepted to Pi Gamma Mu the international honor society for social sciences. I was so torn from all the emotional abuse I had dealt with, I could only be excited for a little while because I did not feel that I had deserved such an honor.

I enrolled into graduate school right after I graduated from my undergraduate school. I was enrolled in Student Affairs in Higher Education (SAHE). I was miserable and I once again was emotionally again. I have never been big on standing up for myself. But one day I got feedback from a presentation and my professor had claimed that I used a lot of slang. The slang being words I always mispronounce when I am nervous. I have had a speech impediment since I was a toddler and when I am nervous, I cut my ings, my eds, and other letters off of words. I called her out on this and she said that it is not a speech impediment. She then went off on everything wrong with me including my learning disability. My professor verbally attacked me for twenty minutes. Then when she finished I had to go to class. The class happened to be her class. That was not the only day, she had been abusive throughout the semester but this was the worst of it.

After this I had a massive panic attack. I began to internalize everything that had ever been said to me. I really began to believe it.  I started to not talk in front of large groups. I began to dread having to present. I did change programs after the abuse happened in SAHE. I realized that I did not need to be paying for the abuse. 

I have gone through countless hours of counseling. I have been a part of group therapy. I have been on anti-anxiety medications. I have tried to get an understanding of why me? Why have I been emotionally abused so many times? I used to think for so long that I would never be ok. And I believed it. I was emotionally abused so many times that I had no confidence. 

I am pleased to say that I do not believe that any longer. I found what worked for me. In my first year in graduate school I heard of a program called Celebrate Recovery*. I danced around going, but finally had no choice. I came to a point where I believed that I did not matter. I felt that no one cared about me and nothing really mattered in my life. When I went to CR I found that I did matter. I found a way to build my confidence. I found that I was good enough and that I could be loved. I found that I did not need to be self destructive, which in many ways I was and with each occurrence of  emotional abuse that I endured I became more and more self destructive. Celebrate Recovery gave me a place where I could be myself the self that I believed was never allowed to be in existence. It gave me a place where I could let my guard down and learn who I am and learn how to be healthy and how to cope in a safe way. I have had a long journey to being healthy, but it was worth it. I love myself and I love who I am. I am SMART! I am loving. I am caring.I am HAPPY! I am me. And I am so much more. 

CR worked for me and gave me hope which I can honestly say I never had before. I know it is not for everyone, but the point behind this post is that emotional abuse especially childhood emotional abuse is painful and it lasts. But there is hope there is freedom. When you go through it the damage can last for years, but it does not have to rule your life. If you or someone you know has gone through emotional abuse know that it is ok to get help. It is ok to speak out it is ok to let your guard down. It is also ok to acknowledge that what happened has happened and that it is not ok and that you are not ok. Admitting is the first step to getting help.    

I did not write this for attention to my past. I wrote this to help others who may have gone through emotional abuse and help them to see they are not alone. I also wrote this to allow for others to see that there is hope.


*Celebrate Recovery is a Christ Centered 12 step program that works on any and all hurt, habit, and hang up. It allows for people to learn healthy habit for life. 

A Year, What is in it?

For many of us a year starts on one of two days, it starts on either on our birthdays or on the 1st of January. Reality is a year can be anything. It can start on different days. It can start on a different day depending on situation. Depending on situation we may look at our lives differently and one day may stay in our minds and a year later it may still matter and be the place holder for us.

I saw this earlier on Facebook and it was all too true. A lot can happen in a year. A new life can start for a person. A new chapter can begin, we can change, we can become new. Maybe in that year life was not so great, but as long you get through it that is what matters. Chances are it helped to make you who you are. What does a year mean for you? 

For me a year symbolizes exactly what this picture says. Everything is different and a year does a lot for me. On October 30th, 2013 I was told to change my major in the middle of my junior year and I was devastated. A year later (2014) I was stronger, happier, and on a better path. Then my first semester of graduate school was horrible. I was on a horrible path for me and extremely upset. I had a lot of anxiety and I did not where I was heading. I changed my major and got involved with Celebrate Recovery, and my life changed. This last year did a lot for me. Last year everything was different, I was different, but now I happy truly happy, I am loving life, and I excited for everything. Point is everything in last year did not start on January 1st or my birthday. In some ways the end of March 2016 started my recent path, because I chose to live my life happy and to not let life get to me. But in many more ways my year started on July 1st 2016 because that was the day I went to Celebrate Recovery for the first time and that day has brought me so many blessings and helped me to become ME. 

Regardless of situation and how you react to it if you are changed by the situation then you have a year to look at later. Do not wait for a "new year" to change your life. Go ahead and do it now. Let life guide you and see where a year takes you. Who knows it could be a better you.    

 

Help Someone or Get Yourself Help

Tonight I had the privilege and honor of representing Celebrate Recovery at IUP during a talk on sobriety from alcohol. Our speaker has traveled the country speaking with college students and professional sports teams about how one time can cause so many problems in your life. Please be cautious if you choose to drink. Please be cautious if you drink on the social level. And please if you see someone who needs help take their keys, redirect them if they are going to get themselves into trouble, It takes one choice and one drink to mess up and that one choice could have horrible impacts on your life or someone else's life. If you or someone needs help take that choice to get help. Go to a Celebrate Recovery (which is for anything and everything, not just drugs and alcohol) get to a counselor, get to a church, go to meetings, whatever it takes just get the help you need. Your life is precious and it does matter, don't let one horrible choice be what determines your future.